We worry about what others think of us, we are imposed by others views, and I would be willing to bet money that you have let someone's opinion change your mind on a decision you've been faced with. At some point, you have to understand the point where pleasing others is hurting you. But where is the line between caring what others think and being obsessed with others perceptions of us?
There are some people who care so much about what others think, they are willing to give up their own views, and personality, in order to manipulate what others think of them. This type of behavior can be categorized as codependency. I believe if you are willing to give up yourself for the feelings of others, you are practicing a codependent behavior which can become very unhealthy very quickly!
True happiness doesn't come from others. The only you can be truly happy with others is by being happy with yourself! So why waste all that effort trying to change yourself for others? You have to live life for yourself! It's okay to accept others views and opinions, but these aspects shouldn't completely change the person you are!
In school, they always talk about peer pressure. How you shouldn't make decisions unless you are comfortable with your decisions. How not to let our PEERS PRESSURE us into situations or views. Maybe we just need to revert to our childhoods and realize that it's the same lesson, just presented in our adult lives.
Everyone has their set "ways". The way you do laundry, the way you clean, even the way you dress. Lets say you never wear sandals. You go through your whole life hating sandals! You don't like the way they feel, fit, or look. You start seeing, or even just spending time with, someone who lived on the beach their whole life and wears sandals daily, never owned a pair of tennis shoes! All this person talks about is how great sandals are and how he/she doesn't realize how you have gone so long without owning a pair. After 3 months of spending time with this person, you end up owning 10 pairs of sandals! You went your whole life without wearing sandals, and now after 3 months of peer pressure, you are buying them like they are going out of style! This is a codependent behavior. You have the feeling that if you don't give into the peer pressure, maybe this person won't like you anymore, so you go out of your way, change something you never thought you would, and become just like this new friend.
This is where human logic is flawed. We are so worried about what others think, what others feel, and what others believe, that we forget we were given the power to choose what WE want to. We were given the ability to feel, think, and believe and we do everything we can to make our views the same as others.
It's okay to want to please others, but you have to understand when it is going too far. When you are sacrificing your own personal well being, it's time to step back and take a good look from the outside.
Here are some tips to help you balance pleasing others while still pleasing yourself!
Think of five times when you did or said something that did not truly reflect your wants and needs, in order to please someone else. Write them down. Now look back and think of how you could have handled the situations. What is the worst that could have happened? This list will help you realize that even if you made the opposite decision, you would have been okay! If not better with your OWN decision!
Look at your fears. Are they even realistic or truly that terrible? You may be afraid that nobody will like you or that you are going to lose someone close to you, maybe even be all alone if you don't say, or do, the right thing. None of this is ever true! This is a prison that you have trapped yourself in. Unlock those doors! Your peers may be used to your compliance, but if they're not willing to accept that you have your own needs, are they really worth having in your life?
Examine your ability to set limits on others. You have to determine your boundaries. What do you believe is acceptable behavior and what is unacceptable? Figure out what you can tolerate and what is intolerable. Learn how to identify and label unacceptable treatment from others and how to set limits on their behavior when they violate your boundaries.
Consider the source. Many people who feel the need to please were raised in environments wherein their needs or feelings were pushed aside or not considered. They were probably expected to anticipate and mold themselves to everyone else's needs. Newsflash, not all the world wants a pushover! Focusing on pleasing others, opens yourself to manipulation and abuse. You will never reach your full potential as an individual if you constantly hide behind others' expectations!
Stop basing your self-worth on how much you do for other people. It's noble to want to help others, but it's something you should do because you WANT to, not because you feel you HAVE to! The greatest acts of kindness are those done by choice, not out of guilt or fear. If you are doing something because you feel you have to, is the action really genuine? Would you want someone to help you because they felt obligated or because they were just trying to be kind?
Learn how to say no! Don't make up excused, give your reasons for not wanting something. Lets say your best friend wants you to go with him/her to a party that will be full of people you can't stand. A simple "no thank you. It's just not my scene." will not ruin your friendship! Be polite, but say no and mean it! You'll be surprised that the world is NOT going to collapse around you! People rarely take offense, and those that do aren't worth pleasing. Like they say, "those who mind, don't matter and those who matter, don't mind.".
Ask for what you want. If you and your friend are going to see a movie, and most people want to see a particular movie, but you'd rather see something else, SPEAK UP! There's nothing wrong with voicing your opinion, and it doesn't mean you have to be demanding. Simply reminding people that you're an individual with your own preferences is a big step forward. Even asking someone to help you do something is a good step forward. You also have to realize that people can't read your mind! If you feel that you do so much for others, but they don't do anything for you, maybe it's because you don't express your needs or desires. It's not fair to make people pry for an answer from you. If they ask you what you want, or if there's anything they can do, put in your ten cents!
Do something for yourself! Do something that you have wanted to do for a while, maybe something you are afraid someone else will not like. Dye your hair, get a new look, have a treat that you enjoy! Whatever it is, do it for YOU! Practice not worrying what anyone else thinks. Tell yourself, "WOW this is great!". Don't get caught up in doing things just because no one else wants to do them. Remember that there out to be things that you truly want to do for yourself, regardless of what anyone else thinks, not in spite of it. Its okay for other people's opinions to be a factor in our lives, but they should never be the determining factor.
Compromise. While it is not good to be a pushover, it is not good to be a manipulative bully either. Don't become totally selfish. Many people-pleasers have low self-esteem but then again, so do people who are selfish. It is best to develop good self-care skills which include healthy assertiveness skills. You can listen to others, but ultimately, what you do is YOUR choice. Keep a healthy balance.
You have to remember, the only one you are living life for is YOU!
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